Happy Hallowe'en

It's my favourite day ever!!! We have costumes for the puppies and none for ourselves. We have candy galore and it will be the bestest day ever.

And tomorrow, we shall diet.

The things I do always start out with what I think are good ideas. Inevitably, they end up being much more complicated.

I had an idea to move my computer from the computer room (and thus changing it's name to Spare Oom) into the kitchen/dining room. Essentially, I did this so that I could watch TV while working on my computer. Impractical to move an entire desk, storage, knick-knacks and printing thing just to watch TV? Yes. But that's not the point.

I was supposed to be cleaning all day yesterday. That was the goal I had given myself. But, in moving the computer, all I did was create a giant mess!! I had to clean out the computer - I took it all apart and dusted it. And I had to clean the desk and move things and sweep the floor and all that. It was gross. Then I had to clean the spare room and move things around. It was an ordeal to say the least.

Finally, I got the computer where I wanted it. And then I realized that the internet was still in the other room!!! I had no idea how to set up my computer on wireless and I didn't have a cable long enough to plug into the kitchen. $120 later, I had a USB hub, a wireless adapter and the Buffy the Vampire Slayer movie.

I hate computers. It took me two hours to set up all the damn things and then I still couldn't get it to work. I know I had everything set up right, so I don't know what happened. Finally, I broke down and called G who is the most computer savy guy I know. I explained what was going on and suddenly - without provocation!! - the computer wireless started to work. G assures me that my computer recognized that he was going to do something brilliant and knew it was powerless to stop him.

JAG - costume designer

Amanda sent me a picture I have to share. You will have seen it upon entering my blog. A new header is gracing our presence for the day.

Here is how Amanda explained it to me:

amanda heart's brett bretterson says:
well, you see, i wanted to make you a pimp. but it turns out my pimp drawing skills were lacking, so i had to change you into an eggplant. but the moustache and feather remain.

amanda heart's brett bretterson says:
so, you're an eggplant with a moustache and feather.


But, Maddy looks cute.

Chubby girl represents

The Hallowe'en party was a success. A grand success, I would even go so far as to say. And my favourite part? I came in second in the group Twister game. Only beat by a rock climber. It was awesome. I will not be posting pictures of that part however, because the only ones anyone managed to get show my entire ass. So, really, you should all thank me for not putting that picture in your brain.

The rest of the party went well too. The games were fun and I think people enjoyed themselves. I got to be the game organizer (with help from Megan and Steph S) and it was fun. I always love being the game person - I'm a big fan of telling people what to do and have them actually do it.

The costumes were great. People really used the clean and dirty theme well. Two guys came as Listerene and Toothbrush and another a couple came as K-Fed and Brittany. Matt came as a hobo who hits on Ky. And Ky's costume of going as a night stand (as in a one night stand) was awesome and most clever. As for me? I went with both clean and dirty. I went as a nun on the top, hooker on the bottom.

I do have to admit, I liked one costume the best. One guy came as a Man Whore - complete with dishevelled clothes and lipstick print. He definitely made most girls consider pooling our money to see what it would buy.

Anyways... what was I saying? Right... Hallowe'en party.

The food was also excellent. I unveiled my cake that I had made - the even popular "Kitty Litter Cake". It was disgusting. Apparently, it tasted great, but there was no way on earth I was putting that in my mouth!!!

Here are some pics of the other food (I know putting pics of food on a site is just lame, but explaining them doesn't do justice. )

Snouts and Beans









Egg mice









Spider crackers










It was a lot of fun and I may never eat again. Of course, I say that every time.

Pass the chocolate.

test

I think I broke the web site.

Regression

I don't remember if I wet the bed when I was a kid. Well, once I wet my parents bed, but in my defense I was sleep walking and thought it was the bathroom. Anyways, my point is that I don't think I ever had rubber sheets or the things like that to prevent any permanent damage.

I am 30 and I have a plastic liner on my matress. It's not for me (I know, you're thinking "Sure, Bron" but it's true) it is preventative measures for a dog who hates me.

Monty is a problem child. He is super smart and catches on to instruction quick, but has behavioural issues that make me insane. We were away for the weekend and when I returned home, I had to go work nights. Monty hates when I work nights. I guess he's already feeling abandoned by Dad or something. So, I came back from my night shift to find the entire bottom 3rd of my bed soaked in dog pee. I thought I had shut the door, but forgot.

What I had to do at 8 in the morning was drag my matress into the tub and wash the bottom third. And then drag it into my room to let it dry. Not what I wanted to do when I was super tired anyways. Then yesterday I had a meeting in Saskatoon. I thought I shut my door but now I remember I had to get something else and forgot again. And... he peed on the bed as it leaned against the wall.

So, now I have a plastic table cloth covering my bed to prevent having to drag it into the tub anymore.

It only crinkles when I breathe.

The springs are dangerous

Sometimes, my co-workers are bizarre.

At work, we use staplers. Each station is supposed to have a stapler. Regularly, the staplers go for walks. Sometimes, they even go for extended trips. It's a pain in the ass. Just when you need a stapler, you can't find one to save your Grandma from being sold into slavery.

A while back, our staplers went missing. Not one or two, but all. We started the search - other people's offices, the garbage, the back room, the fridge (well, it could happen). Finally, in frustration, I pull open the drawer in the main room. All the staplers were sitting neatly in the back corner of the drawer.

"Weird", I thought. But my co-workers are bizarre, so maybe they were trying to be efficient. Except that when I went to use the stapler, it was empty. In fact, ALL of them were empty. And because they were empty - and thus no longer useful - they were tucked away in the drawer.

Next to the box of staples.

Jelly belly

I just watched a documentary on how they make jelly beans. It is disgusting. Not hot dog disgusting, but still I'm not so sure I will ever be able to eat them again.

TV sucks at night.

Career choices

Overheard:

"We went with a retired black woman."

It begs the question if you can retire from something like that?

Careful, she bites

I'm supposed to be asleep right now. However, I just returned from the dentist for the 5th time this month. I had to get an adjustment on my night guard. I mean, he's cute, but not that cute.

I think I really impressed him by being the first person he has ever seen bite through a night guard in less than a week.

No refunds or exchanges

It's official.

Dad called yesterday to say that the visa stuff went through. He will arrive in Canada with our Mail-Order Step-Mom on Nov 13th. They will be around for Christmas with us and then back to Ukraine for Christmas with her family.

How handy is that? Two families, two holidays.

Onomatopoeia

At church on Sunday, I was talking to a friend. Her little girl came running up to her and it was pretty obvious there was something urgent going on. In a loud voice (as only little children can), my friend's daughter said, "Mom, you need to come with me. I need to make a plop."

Isn't that how you know a kettle is boiling?

Some kids were driving up and down the road behind my Grandma's building when I was there this weekend. At one point, they parked right outside my window and were making a ton of noise. I got up to see what was going on. I heard one guy say one thing clearly before they drove away.

"There's steam coming from my crotch!".

That's how I know it belongs to me

I have a T shirt I love. My grandma bought it for me. It cost 25 cents.

Grandma gave me the Tshirt when I was visiting one time. She excitedly brought it into the living room - neatly folded - and presented it to me. She explained she had found it at the Menonite Clothes Cupboard and thought it must have belonged to me. It was 25 cents, so she bought it (she can't pass up a good bargain). However, upon bringing it home, she realized it might have actually been my shirt to start with and I may have already donated it. If that was the case, Grandma just paid good money for something I may have already paid good money for.

I assured her, I had not owned it before hand. Yes, I was sure about that. How did I know for sure? The shirt has my initials on it. B.J.H. I am not the type to have a shirt monogramed for me. Especially a burgandy shirt with the monogram in bright yellow. But, Grandma could not understand how on earth a shirt with my initals could have been made if not specifically for me.

It took me about two weeks to figure it out. Battleford Junior High. I still wear the shirt with pride and explain to everyone how my Grandma bought it - and only for 25 cents!

I mean, I can't let good money go to waste.

Got a new one. It's a blue one.

Today, I picked up the final piece of what is surely the greatest achievement in hotness. With this, I will finally be uber sexy and will have flocks of men falling at my feet.

That is right, folks. I got my new night guard.

Now, I managed to escape braces and head gear in elemtary and high school. Thank God, because I had enough reasons people didn't like me. But now, as an adult, I am making up for lost time. I have to wear this night guard every night, all night. It is made of very sturdy stuff and is not at all comfortable. The best part though?

It's blue. And it has my name on it.

I am going to be alone forever.

Pogo mania

A friend gave me a 5 day free trial of "Club Pogo". It is awesome. And now, I am running out of days and am being pressured into signing up for the year. I am sorely tempted, but the thought of paying $40 a year to waste time playing Bookworm is a bit much. However, I did get the cutest little mini me picture. So, it might be worth it.

Conquering my fears

I watched The Office last night. First season. And I didn't die. Most people know about my inability to watch things where I am embarrassed or feel sorry for any of the characters. I can't watch Mr. Bean - he makes my stomach hurt. I can't watch George Castanza on Seinfeld - he's just too horrible. I can't do it. I could hardly watch Happy Days as a kid b/c I was too embarrassed for Richie.

This was a big step for me. But, I did it. Just the American version, I don't think I'm up for the British one yet. I love Pam and Jim. I hate Dwight. And I feel so sorry for Michael I could cry, but I held it together. And I even laughed out loud a few times. So... I may watch more of it.

Driving me crazy

I am not a good driver. I'm not the worst I know of, but not the best by far. I am sloppy with corners, I never go the speed limit and I am known for near misses of the ditch if I'm distracted by something pretty. However, I was taught by my Dad, so I come by it honestly.

My dad would give advice like "When you're changing lanes, always do it within three centre dots on the road." However, he neglected to mention this is only in city driving. On the highway, if you change lanes within three centre dots, you will likely cause the vehicle to tip and all your passangers to fall out. (Try it, it's fun.)

I learned to drive in a full sized van. This had it's positives and negatives. Positive - I can parallel park a school bus between two trees. Negative - For the first few years, I ran into and over everything in my path.

My first week driving, I turned a corner and ran into a Loraas bin (a giant garbage bin). A few weeks later, I turned into a parking lot and pulled the chrome neatly off the side of the van with a telephone pole. When I was in my twenties, I discovered I needed glasses. Suddenly, I had an explanation for why I took off more side mirrors than anyone I knew.

I now hit less things than I used to. And I can still parallel park better than almost anyone. But occassionally I catch myself doing things like my Dad and I cringe. I have decided already just to pay someone else to teach my kids how to drive. Or I will pay for their bus passes.

I'm a blogger chick

Why? Because I'm a sheep. And, the little chickie is adorable.

The question game

"Which would you rather do - fight a grizzly bear with your bare hands or club a baby seal?"

"I'd club a baby seal. I don't want to be eaten by a f***ing grizzly bear."

I have an announcement...

I have unpacked. My suitcase is empty for the first time since March!! I unpacked this week to re-pack for my weekend trip and when I got home today, I unpacked. On the same day I got home.

I would like to thank my parents for always standing by me and my siblings for their great support. I owe it all to them.

Well, not really.

Update

The wrong number guy called back. When I picked up and said hello, he laughed and said he had the wrong number again. I said at least this time I hadn't yelled at him.

The number is my cell phone with two numbers inverted. I may hear from this guy a lot.

And don't get ideas, he sounds married.

Got the wedding bell blues

Tonight was the wedding of a good friend of the family. Her sister was my best friend, her brother my brother's best friend, etc. It was a lovely wedding. And, like all weddings - despite having enjoyed myself, I am now drowning in a pit of dispair and melancoly.

I grew up with this family. My mom dated their dad until they broke up and married the people who became our parents. We spent a lot of time together as kids and teens and on and on. The plan was simple - to balance out the world - my best friend would marry my brother and I would marry hers. Until I was 19, I was pretty sure this would be the case. After the summer I was 19, he went to school, met someone else and was engaged and married within the year. So much for my plan. My brother went on to marry my wonderful sister in law whom I love - but he too ruined the plan. My friend and I are still unmarried. However, not just because we didn't have a back up.

Tonight, I spent some time talking to him. He has two kids and one more on the way. He is a resident at a hospital - specializing in cardiology. He is happy. And I am happy for him. I wouldn't have wanted the life he has.

And yet, I feel so incredibly alone. And suffocated. It was like the hall where we were didn't have enough air. Like all the happiness and pledging of lives to one another mocked me. And all I could do battle the rising panic - the fact I couldn't breathe and wanted to cry - was to leave as fast as I could. I spent the rest of the night on the outskirts of the activities. I couldn't bear it another moment.

It's not just this wedding, all weddings depress me on some level. Last summer, after QoWP got married, I cried all the way home. Partly out of happiness for her, but mostly out of disappointment and emptiness for me.

I want to come home and curl up in the arms of someone who will keep me safe and tell me things will be okay. I want to not have to be so solitary and independant and tired. Instead, I am hiding from being with other people and writing these thoughts out because there is no way for me to speak them out loud.

Grade school crushes

These days, I have been thinking about some of the boys I once thought the sun rose and set upon. The dark haired boy from elementary school who was by far the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. The red head who was a year older than I was whom I still see around the city with his adorable child. The troubled boy from Grade 9 whom my friends labelled "Mr. X" so as to be more clandestine. The other red head boy with the freckles from high school who rode a motorcycle and once hugged me in the hallway.

I have wanted to make a list of all their names - the boys I had a crush on in school - in vain hopes they "Google" their own name and stumble across me and my brilliance. Of course, they would discover a great fondness for me and call me up, ask me out and fall madly in love.

Wouldn't that be romantic?

Or, you know, creepy?

My new internet crush

I love this guy, Anonymous Coworker. Sure, he has a paper bag on his head, but whatever. I can look past that. I'm not shallow.

My favourite post (warning - has bad language at the end, but really, really funny) has led to my brother texting me mean things or calling and screaming mean things and hanging up. It has also led to the constant use of the word "incestumo" and the creation of the word "incesbian". Also, his post about Eric Clapton was brilliant. And he has some good tips on why you shouldn't eat fibre first thing in the morning.

Sigh. So much funny.

The good old days

Yesterday, I went to Wal-Mart to buy a bouncy ball for the dogs. I accidentally left all theirs at my Aunt's this weekend and they were getting a little ansty. (That was unintentional.) Wal-Mart usually has these great balls in the toy section. Very bouncy, durable (even under Monty's chewing), colourful and sometimes they flash! All for under $2. I walked up and down the toy aisles and there was nothing. They had some balls that were Disney and sang when you threw them and there were balls on yo-yo strings, but no regular balls.

Are kids seriously so jaded that balls aren't fun anymore??? You can't throw something unless it has a string to make it come back to you? (No wonder kids these days are so fat!!) How is that possible?

I checked two other stores. No bouncy balls. Nothing. No toys at all that don't do something. Heaven forbid, that a toy might possibly require children to have imagination of any kind. It is a sad, sad world when a piece of string and a tin can can't entertain a child anymore.

Mouth open, Brain off

I was sleeping this morning when my cell phone rang. I'd worked last night so I decided to ignore it. It rang and rang and rang. So I figured it was one of my siblings.

I stumbled out into the kitchen, grabbed my phone and said "Did it dawn on you after the 15th ring that maybe I wasn't going to answer it?"

A man's voice chuckled and said, "No actually, it hadn't. Maybe I have the wrong number."

He did.

Handy woman

Or I would have been had I not spent 45 minutes searching for my damn hammer.

How on earth does one lose a hammer? I mean, they are fairly heavy creatures. They do not have legs or wings that I am aware of and yet, mine has somehow managed to disappear.

I don't remember putting it anywhere. It is not with either of my tool boxes or in my junk drawer. I checked under my bed and in the bookshelf. I looked on the television and on my nightstand. I checked the computer table and even the fridge. (Don't look at me like that, I found the phone in there once, now I don't take chances.)

I wanted to put a shelf in my closet so I have more space for shoes and storage. My closet is now emptied into the middle of my bedroom. My suitcases are on my bed, my shoes are in many bags and baskets covering the floor and the whole thing is a mess. But I can't fix it until I find my damn hammer. And borrow my Dad's drill from his place b/c the contractors stole mine last fall.

Why do I find it so hard to hang on to my tools????

Otter face

This picture is the funniest thing ever. I want this otter in my home.

It's the most wonderful time of the year

Where the children dress scary and neighbours are wary that ghosts will appear. It's the most wonderful time of the year!

I love Hallowe'en. It's my favourite. As soon as Thanksgiving is done, my Hallowe'en stuff goes up. I love fall and the colours and pumpkins and all that stuff. I can't wait. Lyn and I have already got the dogs costumes ready (they hate us, they really do) and I have mine planned for the Hallowe'en party coming up.

Some people don't like Hallowe'en or don't celebrate it. Some think it's about pagan people from a zillion years ago sacrificing goats. But to me? It's all about dressing up funny and getting candy from strangers. What can be bad about that??

I have gone as Cher and as a fat hill-billy girl (I wore my Dad's pants and plaid shirt and stuffed it with pillows and painted one of my teeth black). I've gone as Maud (Bea Arthur) and as an 80's girl. I've gone as Frank Zappa (with a cow even) and as a vampire. But this year? It's going to be awesome. It's a secret though. I will show you pics after the fact.

I can't wait. I love this stuff.

Practicing our spinstering

This weekend at my Aunt's house, my sisters and I rediscovered our love of crafts and all things crafty.

Ky was a knitting bandit (well, she always has been - she just found more tricks) and learned to make slipper socks. You know, those hideous slipper socks that old women give away with gusto to anyone who's feet are not nailed down. Lyn and Grandma Rita (not our grandma, but everyone's grandma) spent hours using the embroidery machine to stitch adorable teddy bears onto the corner of unsuspecting face cloths. I was given a crossstitch kit to finish and am in seventh heaven (but with no Barry Watson). I worked on it for hours after I got home last night and can't wait to work on it today again.

Why is it fitting that we are practicing our spinstering? Because, we live in the neighbourhood spinster house. Ask anyone in the area about our house. They will tell you "The three spinster ladies used to live there." My house was occupied for 40 years by three single women. When my neighbour found out that Lyn and I had moved in, she excitedly exclaimed that we are just what that house needed.

Ky swears she is never moving in.

*** Okay, even using spell check doesn't help. So I keep having to fix this dang thing. Sorry.

All pent up and no where to blow

I love what this woman of The Ethel Experience has to say.

I just get tired of some people. The "blow sunshine up your ass just to say something" people. The "tell you how to live your life" people. And the "I Think Commenting on Your Blog Makes Me Your Best Friend Forever" people.

That being said, this rant is not by any means directed at 99.99% of you. Most of you kick major ass. I mean, you visit me, so you must be awesome and all. But I can only take so much of the annoying few that make me want to blow this whole f*ing thing up and start again with some secret identity.

I think, sometimes, people tend to stop being as honest as they would otherwise be, just to avoid being annoyed by other people.

Little pisser

Monty has issues. He pees. On beds, mostly. My bed often. Other people's too though. He's not that picky.

For some reason, he loves to pee on my Aunt's bed. At the cabin? He peed. Visiting her house with Dad? He peed.

This time, I determined to make it so he would not pee. I kept my eye on him. I watched him like a hawk. Then, I went to go to bed. I told Monty to "hop up" on the bed. So he did.

And peed. RIGHT in front of me.

Thanksgiving tummy ache

So full. Might explode. Too much turkey and gravy. Topped off with Pumpkin cheesecake. My tummy hurts so much. I want to go to sleep for weeks.

The blustery day

Lyn, I and the dogs started on a trek to my Auntie Coral's. We planned to be out of the house at 9:30 am. I figured this would put us out the door at 9:45. I know us.

The first sign it was going to be a long trip was when I opened the door and saw it was raining. Madison is terrified of windshield wipers. Not even just a little bit scared, but outright terrified. Turn on the windshield wipers and Maddy screams like you are beating her. (Not that I've ever tried, mind you.) We tried for the first while to just get her used to them, but she was having a full blown anxiety attack. She shook, cried, growled, threw herself at the window and tried to bite things around her. We went back and got her kennel. In the back seat, I put her in the kennel and threw a blanket over it. She continued to cry. We decided we were going to have to do what I've threatened for awhile. We went to get her puppy valium.

While I went into the vet's office to get drugs for Maddy, Vicki promptly threw up. All over Lyn's skirt and onto the seat of her car. Vicki had a gravol prior to the trip, but Maddy's crying had upset her so much it just didn't help. So, I'm busy getting Maddy a sedative and Lyn is knee deep in puke.

We were 45 mins later than I had planned.

Finally we made it out of town. Lyn had changed and gotten towels and I drugged Maddy and threw her in a cage. Maddy cried for another hour after we left the city. At 10:45.

The rest of the trip went okay. It poured the whole trip until the last 30 kms when I could let Maddy out of her kennel. We picked up Ky at the half way point and continued on.

Maddy is still stoned. I keep asking her if she wants Doritos.

Conversations with the politely challenged

I went to Dad's condo today to pick up mail and check on things. Stuck in the door jamb was a note that said "Call me about furniture" with a name and number.

Being that Dad is in Ukraine, I call it. A woman answered and this is how the conversation went.

"Hello, may I speak to Lauren?"
"And who is that?"
"I really have no idea." Shouldn't she know??
"And who are you?"
"Bronwyn"
"And do I know you?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Then why would you be calling here?"
You're kidding me, right??
"There was a note left at my Dad's house requesting someone to call about furniture."

And here, her tone changes...
"Oh yes, of course! Thank you so much for calling."
"No problem at all. Now, about the furniture?"
"Yes, yes. I was in your father's house the other day and saw his beautiful maple bookshelves. I would like to buy them."
"Oh, well those aren't for sale."
"But he's moving to Ukraine, isn't he? He can't be taking them with him."
This is her business how??

"Well, yes, he is moving to Ukraine, but will be keeping a small home here for when he comes home a few months of the year. And if he was selling his furniture, his children have dibs."
"Oh, of course. He will be going back and forth? The rumour was he is getting married to a woman there."
The rumour??
"Yes, he is. They will be living part time there and part time here."
"Well, that will never last."

Thank you, old lady I have never met. I will let my father know that you feel his marriage and living arrangements will not last. I am sure he will put that knowledge to good use.

Girl crush

We were talking at supper tonight about the fact that Dennis Hopper ("The Hop") and Charlize Theron were (or are going to be) in town filming a new movie. Apparently, Regina is the Hollywood of Saskatchewan. So, anyways, I showed a bit too much interest in the fact that Charlize Theron is coming. Ky said "She's on your list, isn't she?" I admitted she is my top three. Of course then Ky wanted to know who was my number 2 (as she knows my number 1) and I thought "What the heck, I'll just make an official list and blog it."

So, here it goes.

1. Angelina Jolie: There is a long standing joke amoung my friends about my ridiculous crush on her. A friend even bought me a full size poster for my birthday one year! I think she is by far the sexiest woman on earth. I would totally switch for her. Of course, she's my affair switch. I'm not sure I could handle her in a relationship. I am a little mad at her right now over the whole Brad and Jen thing. It made Jen go up on my list.

2. Charlize Theron: I was wrong, Ky! She's totally my number two. She's just the prettiest thing ever!! And a great actress and down to earth and good sense of humour and all that.

3. Jill Hennesy: Her character on Law & Order rocked and she's Canadian.

4. Drew Barrymore: Drew would be my first pick if I had to have a relationship with a famous female. Hmm. I suppose that isn't likely to come up, eh? Oh well. I would like to be friends with Drew and hang out. I think she'd get along great with all my siblings and friends. She's the kind of girl who would fart with abandon.

5. Keira Knightley (but only in Domino): Mostly, I hate Keira. She annoys me. Her mouth is always open and she bugs me. But in Domino, she was awesome. It's all about the attitude, the tattoos, the cigarette and that scene with the hot guy, Choco.

6. Meg Ryan: I love Meg Ryan. Mostly I think I wanted to be like her when I was younger. She was little and flirty and cute. She wasn't a lumbering ox like some of us. I based my whole change in attitude towards being a girl on Meg Ryan in French Kiss. (How stupid is it that was the movie that changed my life in some ways??) I bought an outfit to mimic hers and cut my hair short like hers. I've been a girly girl ever since!

7. Halle Berry: Who doesn't have her on their list? She's stunning. Bitch.

That is all for now. I can't think of any others now. I am sure I will have more later. Now, for the question. If you had to pick an actor of the same gender to have a crush on, who would it be?

I am so uncool. Part 1,457,905

What does PNW mean? Why do I see it around so often and have no idea what it has to do with the world in general? Can someone please explain?

In my head, it means "Partially Naked Wednesdays" but this too doesn't make sense to the things I have seen it applied to. Someone help me.

Lines that come out wrong.

I used the phrase "Did you read about the gunman at the Amish school?" and Jason suggested it sounded like the beginning of a bad joke. He's totally right. And it reminded me of a story.

One of my grandparents had died. I think it was my Dad's mom, but I can't remember. The whole family had congregated in the house on my grandparents farm and were all standing around. My uncle, an extremely uptight man, started speaking solemnly. "There once was a man..."

Talking later, we all realized we were thinking the same thing. We all thought he was going to tell a limerick and were all very disappointed when he didn't.

Butter face

I went to the dentist this morning. Two fillings and an impression for a night guard. I am joining the ranks of sexy women forced to wear head gear to bed. Yeah, that's hot.

It took 4 needles to freeze my face. One for the top and three for the bottom. I attempted to explain to the dentist that my nerves are in the wrong places (and he exclaimed excitedly, "Oh an anatomical anomaly!") However, having explained that, he still put the needle in the wrong area and froze the back of my throat. Thanks.

I am now incredibly frozen and not likely to thaw out for many hours. I feel a bit like Jabba the Hut. My tongue is too big for my mouth and my lips are swollen but stretched too thin across my face. I look perfectly normal, but feel like a circus freak. I now understand why Jabba didn't have many (if any?) teeth. He would have chewed his tongue right off. I'm lucky though, even if I bite my tongue off, I can't swollow anything, so they will be able to find it to reattach later.

I am now trying to figure out what I can eat. I need something soft that I don't have to chew but not liquid as I cannot keep anything between my giagantor lips. I tried to have a drink upon returning home. The result was me taking a sip with the one side of my mouth that isn't frozen, holding my lips closed with my fingers, throwing my head back and letting it dribble down my throat.

I'm so pretty. Oh so pretty.

All that peace loving really pisses a person off

Did you read about the gunman at the Amish school? He went in and shot 3 girls and then himself. At an Amish school.

It just makes no sense to me. I can understand shootings at Detriot or Chicago highschools. Places where you have to walk through a metal detector just to get into Algebra.

But an Amish school? They still arrive in buggies, for crying out loud.

I just don't get it.

New amusements

I like this guy's site: Newt the Wonder Frog. His first couple of posts from February (including his letter to Freddy Prince Jr.) made me laugh out loud. And then the dogs looked at me and thought I was insane. However, he is extremely amusing, so check him out.

Things I shouldn't do

Look at the Humane Society page and read the stories of all the puppies. I want to bring them all home. Those poor babies!!!