Phenomenon -- oldies but goodies

This word was given to me by Wilma.  Why use it here? Um... because I'm a phenomenon.  


I got nothin'.


I'm off today moving Grandma to her final resting place new apartment.  In celebration, I'm leaving you with a bunch of links to old posts.  My favourite posts.


Go Ahead, Eat that Cake


Wonderfully Made, or How I Learned about Sex


A Successful Marriage is Built on a Freshly Made Bed A Grandma story!


Oops, I pooped my pants


It's been a ding-a-ling day


More, more, more than words


The hotel -- aka: I love kids, just not yours.

The case of the missing teeth - a Grandma story revisited

Me as a child: I was a big, fat liar

j

Just don't tell your mom, it's our little secret

Milton Bradley has come up with a new group of toys. They are called "Toys by Uncle Milton". I suppose what the company was going for was a more friendly and family approach, however, it just ends up sounding creepy.

For example:

Uncle Milton's Rainbow in My Room -- recreates the beauty and wonder of the rainbow with a vividness that can’t be missed. Yeah, like we all haven't heard that one before.

Uncle Milton's Moon in My Room -- includes settings to authentically show 12 different phases of the moon. Lower, lower, lower, FULL MOON!

Uncle Milton's Remote Control Snake -- race it along smooth surfaces and let it sneak up and scare someone! Then challenge your reflexes by sending your snake through obstacle course. I don't think that's a "snake" Uncle Milty.

No, but they are awesome at Algebra

The other day Crazybarefeet and I were talking about possible future plans for the dogs. If I give one away, which one it will be, who it will be to, how that will work, etc.

Crazybarefeet turned to me and said, "So, one of them might be going to a new H-O-M..."

Suddenly she stopped and said, "Can they spell?"

Perhaps not the best marketing plan

Spam I received today: "Want to have a AAA-sized lovemaker?"

Since the AAA battery is really teeny-weeny, I think they might have tried a different phrase. Just a thought.

The trump card

One weekend a few years ago, when my siblings were hanging out, we rented a movie as we are apt to do. Some families talk or play games or do sport activities. We see that as a waste when we could be watching Star Wars for the 957th time.

Being that Lyn and I were really into CSI at the time, our brother brought home To Live and Die in L.A. with William Pederson. It was a strange movie that wasn't very good. We watched anyway and then were confronted with a bizarrely frightening sex scene where you actually see William's more intimate bits. The movie did not get better from there.

We were all talking about the evening a day or so later, when one of the group said "I think the trump card of the evening was having to see Grissom's wang." From then on, we called it "his trump card". It's been a running joke since then.

Apparently, it's started to catch on across the globe. I just received a spam email encouraging people to "Whip out your trump card".

And it's Canada's national symbol

Our Aunt's dog is named Jack. He is a shy and timid dog with a sweet nature and the biggest eyes you have ever seen. Our dog Vicki has a little crush on him and the four dogs always enjoy visiting.

This weekend while we were at Jack's house, Madison brought into the room a stuffed animal I had never seen before. Auntie explained it was the toy that came with Jack when she got him. He plays with it when he is feeling particularly "amorous". Jack kindly demonstrated for us just how he enjoys his favourite toy.

His stuffed friend is a beaver.

For what it's worth

I have been thinking of selling the furniture sets that belonged to my parents. They bought Roxton Maple furniture in 1974. It was the height of fashion and of things that will last an eternity. I have a very little house and two houses worth of furniture smooshed into it. I love the furniture, but only because it reminds me of my Mom and my childhood. Aesthetically? Not as much.

I've been trying to price things out and find out what the bedroom and dining room sets are worth. I've looked online and on EBay and anywhere I can think of, but have not found anything that is really what I have in my home. (Although, I did find many people looking for the rocking chair but there is NO WAY in God's little green earth I am parting with that. Even if Ky's dog ate the legs off it.) A friend suggested calling the local Antiques shop as the woman who runs the place knows everything about everything there.

Today, I got a chance to call. A man answered the phone. He had a slight accent as though his family came over on the Mayflower and still had indentured servants. I provided him my name and said I hoped he could help me, if not with prices and such but with information. I mentioned the furniture and he drew in a breath. Then, I told him what year it was purchased in. The breath went out.

When he heard the year they were purchased, with ice dripping from his voice, he said "Those would be more appropriate for the second hand shops." And hung up.

I have to say I felt a bit chastised. As though I had offered him a piece of my own poop. In a bag.

How bad could he be?

Normally, I have to find someone to take all three dogs during any time I am away. It is a problem. As individuals they are good dogs. As a trio? They are not. No one is ever too anxious to babysit. And since Dad has moved out of the country, it is harder and harder for me to go away.

This weekend, I tried a new strategy for taking care of my dogs. I decided to take Madison with me. I left Montel with The Guy (both think they belong to each other anyway). Finally, I left Vicki with Lyn until she left for Europe and then my friend's son, A, came to the house to take care of her for a night.

A's mom was a little nervous having him alone at my place. It was different when I lived within walking distance, but this time he was across the city. Understandably, she didn't want any one strange coming to the door.

I spoke with The Guy on Saturday night and he told me he would drop off Montel at the house before heading to his parents for Easter supper. I just had to let A know so he would be expecting The Guy and would open the door. By the time I thought of it, I figured it would be too late to call. (A teenage boy hanging out in a quiet house with a computer - why did I think midnight would be too late?)

I called the next day after church to say The Guy would be coming by. A advised The Guy had already come by the house. He said "I didn't know who he was, but he had Montel, so I let him in."

Apparently, not opening the door to strangers doesn't count if they have an animal you recognize.

Oh, is that all?

Little girl: Do you know why I talk so much? Because I have everything to say!!

Well, a girl's gotta be prepared

Tonight we went out for supper with crazybarefeet's 15 year old son, A. We had a good time chatting and eating too much. It was quite entertaining.

At one point, A was talking about how he does not understand why girls need more than one purse. He commented on how one day they have the smallest purse which would only fit a cell phone and a pencil while the next day they are carrying a purse big enough to be a gym bag. In this gym bag, he summarized they carried "power tools, their entire makeup drawer and a mini schooner".

A dog by any other name

This last week, I went to visit an old friend. She was in town visiting her parents for the after-Christmas season, so I went to her parent's house. I had not been there since I was 11. Twenty years ago. I am so old.

I was met at the door by the most beautiful black lab / dalmation cross. She happily wagged her tail and sniffed my crotch. We got that right out of the way. There's no point in dragging these things out.

My friend's Dad came up to get her away from me and called her "Brin". He corrected himself and specified that actually her name was "Bronwyn" like mine "because of her... well... you know what Bronwyn means... white breasted". Immediately his face flooded with colour, he turned abruptly and left the house.

Yes, I am well aware of what it means. It has been causing me embarrassment and amusement for many years now. But that was my all time favourite reaction.

Will you be my Daddy?

Today I went to the airport to pick up my father and his wife. They had been visiting out in BC for the weekend. They were late, so I got to wait.

While I was waiting, I noticed a disproportionately large number of little children present. I watched two sets of children for a bit. Three little girls were standing near each other, playing and dancing about. Two of the girls were waiting for their grandparents and the other little girl was waiting for her father.

Finally after much delay, the little girl's father came down the escalator. She went running to meet him. At the same time, the little girl from the other family ran towards the escalator... shouting "Daddy, Daddy".

She seemed quite disappointed when he walked past her and swooped his real daughter into his arms.

Just gets better

Tonight, The Guy and I went out with my family for supper. As we are sitting at the table enjoying our food, I looked up to see a bizarre couple at a table across the room. Both were in their late 50s. She had high teased hair, copious neck wrinkles and a tiny tank top which barely held her in. He had a black silk shirt open midway down his chest, a long pony tail and a handle-bar mustache.

I gasped and turned to The Guy. Without looking up, he said, "I saw them. I'm going to start growing a mustache tomorrow."

Greatest Time Waster EVER

I was visiting Scoober's home base and discovered her artistic talents. So, I went and gave it a try. It is the most fun ever.

This is what I made.

Go here and colour.

I'm the funniest sister ever

Today, I sent an excited text message to my brother.

"Guess what?!?!?!?!?!"

Hours later, he replied. "What?"

My response?

"Chicken butt."

Seriously, I am still laughing.

Easily amused

While I was on hold with an agency this morning, I heard this song. It is now stuck in my head and so I had to look it up. I wanted you to hear it, so I found it on youtube. The pictures are mostly lame, but sometimes funny. Enjoy it.

Misprints and misreads

Misprint:
On a restaurant sign:
Soop of the day: Chicken noddle.


Misread:
Sign infront of a church:
Discount of the Holy Spirit.

A little salad with your dirt?

Tonight, because we had plans and because I am not feeling well, The Guy called to say he was bringing me supper. He didn't want me to have to drive, so he decided to come to my place.

When he arrived, we decided it was too hot to eat in the kitchen. There were two options - eat in the cool basement amidst unpacked boxes or eat out in the backyard. The outside appealed to us, so we set up the table and moved outside.

There were two things wrong with this plan. The first was the dirt which had been freshly laid the day before. The second was the wind. Just as we were sitting down to eat, a gust of wind covered everything in a fine layer of nice, new topsoil.

We admitted it was not the smartest plan we had ever come up with. The Guy trudged through some of his meal, but in the end was not able to pretend the dirt flecks were actually pepper. I had no such problems. Being the chubby girl I am, I finished every bite.

Church antics

It always amuses me how some of the funniest things occur during church.

One of the ministers was talking about how he'd had a great visit at an old folks home with some elderly family members we know. He talked about the lovely supper they had and how everyone took their time getting through the meal. He exclaimed "They would spend an hour and a half just enjoying the meal and their company". I leaned over to one of the minister's wives and said, "That is only because to old people, every meal might be their last. They might as well try and enjoy it."

In another particularly long service, I commented to my seat mate, Janny, that my butt was numb. No matter which way I shifted, I could not get comfortable. I requested a butt massage just to see what her response would be. She said she would if I got up right then (while the congregation was sitting) and stood directly in front of her. At that moment, the minister announced we could stand. Before anyone else could get up, I jumped to my feet, stood directly in front of Janny and looked over my shoulder expectantly.

Juxtaposition

There are many reasons I love my new neighbourhood. This is what I saw today on my walk:

• a middle aged, heavy set woman in a thin strapped tank top, no bra, white short shorts, 3 inch heels haphazardly holding a smoke between her fingers decorated in long painted nails.

and

• a young man in a business suit on a scooter.