Tonight was the wedding of a good friend of the family. Her sister was my best friend, her brother my brother's best friend, etc. It was a lovely wedding. And, like all weddings - despite having enjoyed myself, I am now drowning in a pit of dispair and melancoly.
I grew up with this family. My mom dated their dad until they broke up and married the people who became our parents. We spent a lot of time together as kids and teens and on and on. The plan was simple - to balance out the world - my best friend would marry my brother and I would marry hers. Until I was 19, I was pretty sure this would be the case. After the summer I was 19, he went to school, met someone else and was engaged and married within the year. So much for my plan. My brother went on to marry my wonderful sister in law whom I love - but he too ruined the plan. My friend and I are still unmarried. However, not just because we didn't have a back up.
Tonight, I spent some time talking to him. He has two kids and one more on the way. He is a resident at a hospital - specializing in cardiology. He is happy. And I am happy for him. I wouldn't have wanted the life he has.
And yet, I feel so incredibly alone. And suffocated. It was like the hall where we were didn't have enough air. Like all the happiness and pledging of lives to one another mocked me. And all I could do battle the rising panic - the fact I couldn't breathe and wanted to cry - was to leave as fast as I could. I spent the rest of the night on the outskirts of the activities. I couldn't bear it another moment.
It's not just this wedding, all weddings depress me on some level. Last summer, after QoWP got married, I cried all the way home. Partly out of happiness for her, but mostly out of disappointment and emptiness for me.
I want to come home and curl up in the arms of someone who will keep me safe and tell me things will be okay. I want to not have to be so solitary and independant and tired. Instead, I am hiding from being with other people and writing these thoughts out because there is no way for me to speak them out loud.