Thanksgiving tummy ache

So full. Might explode. Too much turkey and gravy. Topped off with Pumpkin cheesecake. My tummy hurts so much. I want to go to sleep for weeks.

The blustery day

Lyn, I and the dogs started on a trek to my Auntie Coral's. We planned to be out of the house at 9:30 am. I figured this would put us out the door at 9:45. I know us.

The first sign it was going to be a long trip was when I opened the door and saw it was raining. Madison is terrified of windshield wipers. Not even just a little bit scared, but outright terrified. Turn on the windshield wipers and Maddy screams like you are beating her. (Not that I've ever tried, mind you.) We tried for the first while to just get her used to them, but she was having a full blown anxiety attack. She shook, cried, growled, threw herself at the window and tried to bite things around her. We went back and got her kennel. In the back seat, I put her in the kennel and threw a blanket over it. She continued to cry. We decided we were going to have to do what I've threatened for awhile. We went to get her puppy valium.

While I went into the vet's office to get drugs for Maddy, Vicki promptly threw up. All over Lyn's skirt and onto the seat of her car. Vicki had a gravol prior to the trip, but Maddy's crying had upset her so much it just didn't help. So, I'm busy getting Maddy a sedative and Lyn is knee deep in puke.

We were 45 mins later than I had planned.

Finally we made it out of town. Lyn had changed and gotten towels and I drugged Maddy and threw her in a cage. Maddy cried for another hour after we left the city. At 10:45.

The rest of the trip went okay. It poured the whole trip until the last 30 kms when I could let Maddy out of her kennel. We picked up Ky at the half way point and continued on.

Maddy is still stoned. I keep asking her if she wants Doritos.

Conversations with the politely challenged

I went to Dad's condo today to pick up mail and check on things. Stuck in the door jamb was a note that said "Call me about furniture" with a name and number.

Being that Dad is in Ukraine, I call it. A woman answered and this is how the conversation went.

"Hello, may I speak to Lauren?"
"And who is that?"
"I really have no idea." Shouldn't she know??
"And who are you?"
"Bronwyn"
"And do I know you?"
"No, I don't think so."
"Then why would you be calling here?"
You're kidding me, right??
"There was a note left at my Dad's house requesting someone to call about furniture."

And here, her tone changes...
"Oh yes, of course! Thank you so much for calling."
"No problem at all. Now, about the furniture?"
"Yes, yes. I was in your father's house the other day and saw his beautiful maple bookshelves. I would like to buy them."
"Oh, well those aren't for sale."
"But he's moving to Ukraine, isn't he? He can't be taking them with him."
This is her business how??

"Well, yes, he is moving to Ukraine, but will be keeping a small home here for when he comes home a few months of the year. And if he was selling his furniture, his children have dibs."
"Oh, of course. He will be going back and forth? The rumour was he is getting married to a woman there."
The rumour??
"Yes, he is. They will be living part time there and part time here."
"Well, that will never last."

Thank you, old lady I have never met. I will let my father know that you feel his marriage and living arrangements will not last. I am sure he will put that knowledge to good use.

Girl crush

We were talking at supper tonight about the fact that Dennis Hopper ("The Hop") and Charlize Theron were (or are going to be) in town filming a new movie. Apparently, Regina is the Hollywood of Saskatchewan. So, anyways, I showed a bit too much interest in the fact that Charlize Theron is coming. Ky said "She's on your list, isn't she?" I admitted she is my top three. Of course then Ky wanted to know who was my number 2 (as she knows my number 1) and I thought "What the heck, I'll just make an official list and blog it."

So, here it goes.

1. Angelina Jolie: There is a long standing joke amoung my friends about my ridiculous crush on her. A friend even bought me a full size poster for my birthday one year! I think she is by far the sexiest woman on earth. I would totally switch for her. Of course, she's my affair switch. I'm not sure I could handle her in a relationship. I am a little mad at her right now over the whole Brad and Jen thing. It made Jen go up on my list.

2. Charlize Theron: I was wrong, Ky! She's totally my number two. She's just the prettiest thing ever!! And a great actress and down to earth and good sense of humour and all that.

3. Jill Hennesy: Her character on Law & Order rocked and she's Canadian.

4. Drew Barrymore: Drew would be my first pick if I had to have a relationship with a famous female. Hmm. I suppose that isn't likely to come up, eh? Oh well. I would like to be friends with Drew and hang out. I think she'd get along great with all my siblings and friends. She's the kind of girl who would fart with abandon.

5. Keira Knightley (but only in Domino): Mostly, I hate Keira. She annoys me. Her mouth is always open and she bugs me. But in Domino, she was awesome. It's all about the attitude, the tattoos, the cigarette and that scene with the hot guy, Choco.

6. Meg Ryan: I love Meg Ryan. Mostly I think I wanted to be like her when I was younger. She was little and flirty and cute. She wasn't a lumbering ox like some of us. I based my whole change in attitude towards being a girl on Meg Ryan in French Kiss. (How stupid is it that was the movie that changed my life in some ways??) I bought an outfit to mimic hers and cut my hair short like hers. I've been a girly girl ever since!

7. Halle Berry: Who doesn't have her on their list? She's stunning. Bitch.

That is all for now. I can't think of any others now. I am sure I will have more later. Now, for the question. If you had to pick an actor of the same gender to have a crush on, who would it be?

I am so uncool. Part 1,457,905

What does PNW mean? Why do I see it around so often and have no idea what it has to do with the world in general? Can someone please explain?

In my head, it means "Partially Naked Wednesdays" but this too doesn't make sense to the things I have seen it applied to. Someone help me.

Lines that come out wrong.

I used the phrase "Did you read about the gunman at the Amish school?" and Jason suggested it sounded like the beginning of a bad joke. He's totally right. And it reminded me of a story.

One of my grandparents had died. I think it was my Dad's mom, but I can't remember. The whole family had congregated in the house on my grandparents farm and were all standing around. My uncle, an extremely uptight man, started speaking solemnly. "There once was a man..."

Talking later, we all realized we were thinking the same thing. We all thought he was going to tell a limerick and were all very disappointed when he didn't.

Butter face

I went to the dentist this morning. Two fillings and an impression for a night guard. I am joining the ranks of sexy women forced to wear head gear to bed. Yeah, that's hot.

It took 4 needles to freeze my face. One for the top and three for the bottom. I attempted to explain to the dentist that my nerves are in the wrong places (and he exclaimed excitedly, "Oh an anatomical anomaly!") However, having explained that, he still put the needle in the wrong area and froze the back of my throat. Thanks.

I am now incredibly frozen and not likely to thaw out for many hours. I feel a bit like Jabba the Hut. My tongue is too big for my mouth and my lips are swollen but stretched too thin across my face. I look perfectly normal, but feel like a circus freak. I now understand why Jabba didn't have many (if any?) teeth. He would have chewed his tongue right off. I'm lucky though, even if I bite my tongue off, I can't swollow anything, so they will be able to find it to reattach later.

I am now trying to figure out what I can eat. I need something soft that I don't have to chew but not liquid as I cannot keep anything between my giagantor lips. I tried to have a drink upon returning home. The result was me taking a sip with the one side of my mouth that isn't frozen, holding my lips closed with my fingers, throwing my head back and letting it dribble down my throat.

I'm so pretty. Oh so pretty.

All that peace loving really pisses a person off

Did you read about the gunman at the Amish school? He went in and shot 3 girls and then himself. At an Amish school.

It just makes no sense to me. I can understand shootings at Detriot or Chicago highschools. Places where you have to walk through a metal detector just to get into Algebra.

But an Amish school? They still arrive in buggies, for crying out loud.

I just don't get it.

New amusements

I like this guy's site: Newt the Wonder Frog. His first couple of posts from February (including his letter to Freddy Prince Jr.) made me laugh out loud. And then the dogs looked at me and thought I was insane. However, he is extremely amusing, so check him out.

Things I shouldn't do

Look at the Humane Society page and read the stories of all the puppies. I want to bring them all home. Those poor babies!!!