Thursday, June 16, 2011

I'd like to punch Eve in the face

*Disclaimer: this is a post about girl parts and girl processes.  All men related to me can stop reading.  If you are a man in my life and read this and try to talk to me about it, I'm gonna punch you in the face.  I know that saying this will make my more irritating relatives feel they should discuss it (I'm looking at you Dad) but trust me... DON'T.  My sisters (PRUDES) will likely need a barf bag starting....  NOW!*

Being a woman can suck it.

Every damn month from the beginning of our preteen years, we women are "blessed" with the physical ability to make babies.  As if being a preteen isn't hard enough: what with the gossip, backstabbing, growth spurts, and bad clothing choices.  Alas, we have to start bleeding to prove our gender.

All guys have to do is fart, punch each other, and hold a binder in front of themselves for a few years.  Babies.

Since the start of my monthly visit, I have had (but have not been limited to): bloating, cramping, pain so bad I had to stay home that day, ZITS, depression, crying jags, being confused about why I am crying, being bitchy, not understanding why you all are being SUCH JERKS, back pain, leg aches, food cravings, food binges, etc.

Let me say, when the doctor suggested birth control in my early 20s, I jumped on that like a chubby girl on a loose potato chip.

It's been a long and lovely 10 years.

I've been able to be (for the most part) a little more emotionally stable, a little more physically stable.  I've been able to skip periods if they should happen to fall on weekends I'm going horseback riding or feel the need to wear white pants.  The acne became more manageable.  The pain less often and never required me to miss a day of something I had planned.

It was glorious.

Until now.  Don't get all excited, but I am no longer on the pill.  This is not "Ooooh they're having a baby" so don't get your panties in a knot.  This is in preparation for "Oooh they're going to have a baby eventually".  My doctor and I discussed going off the pill to see how badly my hormones have been affected in the last 10 years.

They weren't.  They were just in hibernation.  It's like I woke up the day after stopping the pill and my body said WOOOOOOOOOOOOO! We're 15 again.  But without the bendiness or the ability to eat what I want at all times.

It hasn't skipped a beat in reverting back to it's old out of control ways.  I'm bloating, I'm bitchier, I'm depressed, I'm zittier than the zittiest zitter ever to zit, and I have to have regular periods.  DO YOU KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING THAT IS????

I miss the good old days when I wasn't ruled by the hormones of my body.  So, you know... 2nd grade.


  1. I went through the same thing when I went off the pill after about 10 years. I felt like I was 4 again, and that was not cool.

  2. That was supposed to be the age 14, not 4. LOL

    Stupid #1 isn't working. :)

  3. OMG, I totally was like "WOW! You were advanced!"

  4. This makes me very very sad... I've been on it for years and it has helped me not puke or totally totally hate myself (quite as much) for years. Plus, the skin thing is nice.

    Darn.... They say it's better once you have a baby....?

    (Also the side bar says that I can use "Ask a Gynecologist Online" with 5 female doctors CURRENTLY ONLINE and a wait time of only 7 minutes. wow)

  5. I went off the pill about 6 months ago because I thought it would help my anxiety issue. Surprise! It didn't. And I've gained weight and, right now, have a giant zit on the center of my right cheek that isn't going anywhere soon. And the cramps? Oh, the cramps. But the best part is, without the pill, I'm not regular at all so, no matter how much I prepare, I'm often met with little surprises. And not good surprises like chocolate or cookies.

    So, guess who's going back on the pill when I go to the doctor next week. This girl, that's who!

    Because also, I don't really want a baby. But I'll totally play with your baby!

  6. It's such a crapshoot, this fertility-control thing. I was on the pill for years with no side effects other than not getting pregnant (hooray!). When I was single and went off it again, I actually lost weight. Now I'm back on it again -- the exact same pill I took in my 20s -- and it is KICKING MY ASS, with the spotting and the cramps and *tmi alert level 12* the lactating. I wish I was kidding. I'm giving it another month, and if this sh*t doesn't stop, I am finding another method. Honestly, men *never* have to deal with this kind of nonsense.

  7. NQA: I forgot to mention that part! I'm all over the map with timing and the 'here today gone tomorrow back the next day!' periods.

    Kate: You win. That is the SUCKIEST reaction I've ever heard. No contest.


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