I am freaking out a bit, coming to terms with things and making huge plans I cannot do anything about right now. I guess, I just need to get it out and be honest about it all. You would think my tantrum from earlier would have managed that, but apparently not. Mind you, I haven't slept much today and that could account for some of it. Like that time I cried at a Simpson episode.
Here, in no particular order, is a list of things making me want to revert into a weeping mess, rocking back and forth in the fetal position.
- my sisters are moving away (I alternate being totally a mess about it and so excited I want them to leave now)
- I am keeping all three dogs (much to The Guy's dismay and regret)
- my house is a mess of boxes, clutter and sentimental crap
- The Guy and I are having "discussions" about my constant state of chaos and clutter which make me want to shake him and/or sell everything I have ever owned and join a commune
- putting laundry away
- going to work
I have come to the realization recently that I have felt "on hold" for a long time. 6 years to be exact. Or approximate. Two years of attending funerals for friends and family, of going to the hospital, of waiting for treatments to work, of watching my mother die. Four years of trying to move beyond that. Four years of trying to keep things together enough that none of us fall apart. Now I am realizing that no one needs that any more (and may not have at the time, but I had nothing else I knew how to do) and it is coming time to let people live their own lives and move on with... mine.
Now that everyone is leaving me (and yes, I wanted it to sound like I am being dumped and abandoned. I have issues and I want you to feel guilty) I have to start acting like an adult. I have to make this house mine rather than just a place I am storing all my crap, my siblings crap, my father's crap, etc. I have to do my own laundry and dishes and cleaning. I have to stop blaming everyone else for the mess, pull up my socks, and get my ass into gear.
It is this knowledge that has made it so I cannot even remember to shower every day.