Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Things I am struggling with

I seem to have wandered into a bit of a funk and sat down hard. I have had zero energy, zero motivation and zero desire to change it. I have pouted, hid, ranted, cried, and generally avoided all resemblance to adulthood.

I am freaking out a bit, coming to terms with things and making huge plans I cannot do anything about right now. I guess, I just need to get it out and be honest about it all. You would think my tantrum from earlier would have managed that, but apparently not. Mind you, I haven't slept much today and that could account for some of it. Like that time I cried at a Simpson episode.

Here, in no particular order, is a list of things making me want to revert into a weeping mess, rocking back and forth in the fetal position.

  • my sisters are moving away (I alternate being totally a mess about it and so excited I want them to leave now)
  • I am keeping all three dogs (much to The Guy's dismay and regret)
  • my house is a mess of boxes, clutter and sentimental crap
  • The Guy and I are having "discussions" about my constant state of chaos and clutter which make me want to shake him and/or sell everything I have ever owned and join a commune
  • dishes
  • putting laundry away
  • going to work
  • money
I cannot even muster the energy to put the clean towels in the linen closet -- usually a task I adore and relish in the lining up of all sizes and shapes. I just sit and stare at the blank television and cuddle puppies who are too sick to do much else. I am catatonic. I am aware of the need for life to continue on around me, but sit dumbfounded and unable to take action.

I have come to the realization recently that I have felt "on hold" for a long time. 6 years to be exact. Or approximate. Two years of attending funerals for friends and family, of going to the hospital, of waiting for treatments to work, of watching my mother die. Four years of trying to move beyond that. Four years of trying to keep things together enough that none of us fall apart. Now I am realizing that no one needs that any more (and may not have at the time, but I had nothing else I knew how to do) and it is coming time to let people live their own lives and move on with... mine.

Now that everyone is leaving me (and yes, I wanted it to sound like I am being dumped and abandoned. I have issues and I want you to feel guilty) I have to start acting like an adult. I have to make this house mine rather than just a place I am storing all my crap, my siblings crap, my father's crap, etc. I have to do my own laundry and dishes and cleaning. I have to stop blaming everyone else for the mess, pull up my socks, and get my ass into gear.

It is this knowledge that has made it so I cannot even remember to shower every day.

11 comments:

  1. I'm sorry. I know the feeling all to well, and I know how defeating and fatiguing it is. I hope you feel better soon.

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  2. My GOD, what a lot of change at once!

    You can do it, hon. Think of it as your own adventure, and make it happen like you want it to.

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  3. Good pep talk - the list is long and you will feel better once you get a dew things done. But sometimes wallowing in self pity is just what the doctor ordered (that's what I'm doing lately - misery loves company).

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  4. I hate growing up. I want someone to make all my decisions for me.

    Then at least I could blame them if things didn't go well!

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  5. I should have mentioned - I've discovered what it takes to keep a house clean and tidy all the time:
    No children
    No pets
    Maximum two people
    A house so big everything has its own cupboard
    a regular cleaning lady

    Still working on how to get all of that - but that is how you get a clean house.

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  6. I'm sorry that you're struggling right now. I'm sending you lots of hugs.

    This won't help anything, but I'm proud of you for having the self-awareness to know why you're feeling this way. This is a really thoughtful post; it makes perfect sense (it had never occurred to me before that you've spent the past six years on hold, trying to hold your family together).

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  7. If it's any help, I feel that way and it's just me and love god, one dog, and a bunch of health problems. Damn. I just depressed myself further.

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  8. I have found that being "on hold" is one of the toughest things to deal with, perhaps primarily because the situation is so often beyond your control. And also because you devote yourself to other people's problems and putting them first, and then when it's time to move on with your own life, you've honestly forgotten how. Inertia. I feel you, girl. I have no advice, other than to take it a tiny bit at a time. I am easily overwhelmed, and that's when I find myself catatonic. Don't expect too much from yourself at once. You'll get there.

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  9. That's a lot of change. I hope you start feeling better soon. My life is very different, yet I can still relate to the feeling of waiting. I feel like that myself and that it might be time to get on with it already.

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  10. Sweetheart, you did keep the family together, actually for much longer than you know. We are trying to make it on our own because we think we can. You can too. You are like your mother; you can do anything you set your mind to. And get rid of Vicki and Montel. Sell them to a good home for $1.00 each (Ukrainian custom). You have dog sat for me beyond the call of duty.

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  11. I wish I was there to give you a big hug right now.

    Hang in there. I bet you're going to find this new chapter in your life alot more interesting and rewarding than you ever imagined. You've just got to give it a chance.

    One day at a time, you know? And who cares about dishes and laundry. Bah!

    (((Hugs!!)))

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Crap monkies say "what?"