Since my last post on love, I have thought long and hard about the subject. I have come to no great conclusions. Except possibly for the conclusion that I know less about life, love, relationships, friendships, etc. than I thought possible. However, I have also figured out what some of my fears are with regards to The Guy.
I am worried I am Carrie Bradshaw and he is Aiden.
Now, if you don't know what I am talking about, I will try and get you up to speed. One of my favourite shows, Sex and the City, has the main character Carrie. She is kind of a twit, but screws up enough to make her endearing. (That is not why I am like her. Smartass.) Anyway. Carrie dates this guy named Aiden. He is sweet and endearing and lovely and romantic. He is goofy and cuddly and hardworking and perfect. He's a wonderful guy. And she ruins it. Because she's not good enough for him, but more because she just screws it up. She can't let him in. And because of that, he moves on and becomes perfectly happy and she goes back to the big jerk head she started with.
I worry that I am Carrie. That I will not appreciate The Guy to the level he should be appreciated. I know he appreciates me. He shows it in every way. He's romantic and kind. He teases and jokes. He treats me well and wants me to be happy and does everything in his power to make it happen.
There is this scene we watched tonight from S&tC. Carrie told Aiden she was used to taking care of herself. She said she gave him the keys to her apartment and what else did he expect from her. He replied that it was all fine and good to have keys to her place, but pointed out she wasn't allowing him to get into her heart.
What if, after being independent for so long, it is impossible to be that open? What if I lose my Aiden because I'm too worried to rely on him and let it all really be true?
Being open results in getting hurt. And, in my experience, I either get my heart tromped on or I tromp on someone else's. There is no other option I have seen. And to tell you the truth, I am more worried about the damage I could cause him. I'm not a kind person. I am selfish and I lash out at people I care about when I am afraid.
I am not good at this.