I thought there would be an idea here for me. I have a few minutes and just time to put things on paper. If only I could type as quickly as the words threaten to come out of my mind. They don't hold back to wait for my stumbling fingers to catch up to them. And when my fingers finally do catch up, the words are no where to be seen. I am struggling right now. I am lost in my own chaos and have no idea how to reach out to anyone. How to fully express how much anguish I am in despite the good things that I am also experiencing. How can there be such a vast difference in feelings?? On one hand, I am happy and content and pleased with how things are going. On the other hand, I am lost. I am in pain. I am confused. I am miserable. Both live in me and yet are completely contradictory. It is impossible to explain. Part of the reason I have not written as well or as much lately is because of this incredible contradiction. These two sides of my coin that I cannot line up so they match. I am at the same moment lost and found. Lost by one set of life's events, found in another. And both things, both sides of the contradiction are the same. How can that be?? I figured that when I got to this part of my life, I would be so thrilled to be here that I would not feel the angst of regular life. I was so naive I want to go back in time and bitch slap the younger me for thinking so idealistically and not realizing there is no such thing. You are as happy as you can be in the way that you can be. I want to tell her to be nicer to people, more understanding, less uncompromising, less afraid to say what you feel for fear it will hurt someone. I want to remind her to be a better person because it matters in the long run and the only person who will be truly disappointed in you is you. Stop thinking you have to be a certain person because others will approve. There isn't enough time in the whole world to be that insipid. So be happy, you dumb brat. Be happy and thankful and don't stress what doesn't matter and know what does matter. PAY ATTENTION to the people you love and be a good person. You don't have to be perfect. Just be kind and fair and gentle and loving. That is all that is needed of you. Know who you want to be and be her. Be a strong woman but with a soft heart toward others. Be self-sufficient, but know when to reach out. Be accommodating, but don't get walked on because you think it will make someone happy. Be true to yourself and to others without being cruel about it to either. That is all that is asked of you. Seriously. That's it. Why does that sound so hard?