I am not good at confrontation.
That is likely a surprise as part of what I do for a living is confront people doing stupid things and tell them to fix it. Maybe I should clarify, I don't like confrontation when I am not in a position of authority. If I don't care what the person thinks of me afterwards and I am not worried about hurting any one's feelings or being tactful, I am a master at it.
In my personal life? Not so much.
I will take something that is bothering me -- some minor offense on some one's part -- and bury it. I will stew about it and possibly talk ad nauseam to other's about it, but I will never bring it up with the person themselves. Because I am a chicken.
For one, I don't do it because I know that if I say it out loud it will be in the most offensive way I could have phrased it. That is why I like email and blogging so much -- I can edit. When my mouth opens, things fall out of it that no matter of thinking beforehand can change. Secondly, I don't want to deal with the consequences of the discussion. I don't want to see the person's face when I say anything. I don't want to deal with hurt feelings or anger or rebuttal.
I am a chicken. Because I am a chicken, I don't often make a stand for what I think or who I believe in. When I do make a stand, my ability to argue disappears. I blabber or sputter. I get angry or embarrassed. I say things like "Oh yeah?" and "So?" as though I am 12 years old again fighting with my brother.
When I do make a stand or bring up a subject of contention, I become a bundle of nerves. My hands are shaking, my heartbeat is racing, my mind is going on a constant loop of what can and will go wrong. My stomach is swirling. I am dizzy and nauseated and vaguely ill at the thought of what I have done. Right or wrong, I react the same way.
Then I doubt what I have done. I think "How can this be the right way?" or "What have I done??" And I want to crawl back into bed to avoid ever thinking about it again.
Even when I know I am right. Even when it is important. Even though I know it will change life as I know it and I'm not sure if it will be for the good or bad.
Maybe I should have handled this the way I do everything. Stew on it for months and then explode over something like an unwashed dish or tripping on a dog leash until I spew out everything that has ever bothered me since the beginning of time.