Thursday, October 23, 2008

Before panic ensues

Apparently, I worry people. Well, that was never my intention when I wrote the post about stress. So, I will post the response I gave my poor father and his wife who are miles away and worried sick. Stop it or YOU will be the ones with a headache!!


Thank you for your words of encouragement and your worry. It isn't necessary, I promise, but I know it will be useless to tell you that as you will worry any way. You would think you are Grandma L!!!

I have no idea why I carry everything with me. For some reason, it is just the way I am. I think it makes me thankful for the good and the bad because it completely shapes who I am. Every bit of it. And yet, with all that in me, I am not convinced I am a loser and I know about all my accomplishments and I hope I don't take them too much for granted. It is just that for me, the good doesn't wipe out the bad, but merely balances things. For a while.

Regardless of how the post sounded (and I think being read under the brain of a parent is much more worrisome) I don't THINK about these things all the time. And, part of the reason I carry them with me, is so I do not have to think about them. I put them away into back tension or headaches and bring them out from time to time. Probably more often than I should, but that is another matter.

When I listed everything in the post, it was because I sat down and really looked introspectively at everything that bothered me. When I open the floodgates like that, it's a pretty big list. And yet, it didn't worry me at all. Maybe that's my problem, but it allows me to function.

The headaches I had for the 3 years was mostly due to my depression. When the depression was dealt with, the headaches abated. I agree I likely need MRI or CAT scan or something. However, crazybarefeet has the worst migraines of any human I have ever met and her scans are completely normal. The new meds I am on have almost completely stopped the headaches and tension in my head. So, I feel a hundred percent better.

Tell Tanya not to worry. I will go back to my doctor in a month for an update. I will use Tanya's ferociousness as a model and do some advocating for some real tests. I think it is just the person I am though. Some people aren't really effected by their environment and others can turn off their minds so the worries aren't there. I am not those people. I could live in a bubble with rainbows and puppies and still find some reason to be stressed.

Ky has told me she will teach me meditation. I am looking into a drop in yoga class. And, I may join NotQuiteAwake in her boxing class. If not, I will take a bat with me and find some punk who deserves a beat down. Kidding.

I love you both. Dad, the reason you never had to worry about me is that I never told you about it. And, that is likely just as much my fault as anything else. And, despite what you may think (and the guilt you may carry, Mr. Pot) I see the things that have come out of Mom's death and know things couldn't be any other way. Relationships were able to change and grow. People have changed and proved themselves. Good has come from it. And I can see how things wouldn't have been the same without it.

Now, tell Tanya to stop worrying. Madison is fine. Totally recuperated. I am doing well. I'm actually pretty happy these days. Content even. I have a pretty great life and people who love me. How can it get better than that???

*I ammended some of this for privacy sake.


  1. The bat and beat down idea might be the best stress reliever of all. But I'm still going to make you meditate with me when I come home for Christmas.

  2. Um, remind me to be nowhere the hell around when you do. For reals. Unless I can meditate to the word "Gumbercules".

    Side note: My word verification was wigautte. Which I totally read as "wig out"


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