I have hardly posted since the girls moved out. I am finding it difficult right now to think of amusing things to say. I have a million posts in my head, but nothing is falling out. I've been attempting to distract myself from the lack of noise and movement in the home with shiny things and food. Thank goodness for Season One of Veronica Mars (borrowed from the Janny) and home baked chocolate muffins I am supposed to be saving for Lyn, but am eating one by one until there is nothing.
This week I went to the doctor to discuss my TMJ, my headaches (although to be fair - it's just one headache I've had on and off for most of my adult life - most recently for 3 months) and other maladies. I am 32 and now on more meds than my 88 year old grandmother. It's a blessing to be in this day and age with all it's medikle lurnin's.
While discussing my symptoms with the doctor, she kept nodding her head vigorously as I explained the tightness in my skull, the constant achy awareness of pain in my neck and head, the shooting stars of pain radiating through my eyes, the tenseness of my jaw muscles, the inability to open my mouth all the way (although, Lord knows, it's big enough already), etc. She assured me it was all stemming from one thing and - although, we aren't likely to change that significantly - we can help with the symptoms.
Apparently, all my health issues come from stress. I know, right? I almost died of shock. You mean, the last 8 years of parental problems, parental cancer, grief and mourning, moving, changes, remarriages, new responsibilities, broken hearts, found hearts, and being alone in this city for the first time, have been stressful? Huh. Who knew?
She grinned at me (grinned!) when she finished her thought, "And for those people with the type of... intense... and stressed... personality, like you, this is especially common."
Well, aren't I just an open book? I know my doctor has a great memory and is known for her care of patients and recall of their issues, but I thought I'd done a good job of hiding how tense I am about things.
For the most part, I try to be easy going. To let things slide, to seem nonchalant about things. But, apparently, the only person I was fooling? That'd be me. All my tension resides in my back, my neck, the muscles of my face, as I am pretending to lounge indifferently to the swirl of activity around me.
Maybe it is fighting the swirl that is doing me harm. Maybe I need to start freaking out right away when things happen rather than letting them fester inside me until I am screaming on the sidewalk because I tripped over the dog's leash where I suddenly let loose all the demons I was keeping at bay. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't spend a good portion of my pay cheque on massage, chiropractor, medications, etc in order to battle the problems occurring because I keep it all in tight reign.
Or, maybe I need to start drinking heavily. No, probably not.