Saturday, March 15, 2008

Let It Out: Part III

Part I and Part II here.

What have you been holding back?

For as much as I appear to be an open book, I hold just as much inside of me. Most of my worries and concerns never see the light of day. Just ask my tense shoulders, my clenched jaw and my constant headaches. I worry about the future, the past, the present. Myself, my family, my friends, my dogs, my house, my work, my car, my money, my weight, my health, my spiritual path, my focus, my needs.

I have been holding back. Surprisingly enough. I hold back my ability to trust people. To trust they care and will hold up their end of the bargain. I hold back my tears for serious things and cry buckets of snot over things that make no difference. I hold back until the dam I have hastily erected falls apart under the pressure.

I have been holding back myself from experiencing things. I always plan things or want things and yet am perfectly content if they never transpire. You would think I would be disappointed by things I haven't accomplished and never came to fruition, but no. There are things I want to do. I should want them enough to do them, but really, I'm holding back from them so I am not disappointed by the things I want. It is better just to want them in passing.

I have been holding back for fear that I go forward and nothing is there to meet my feet. And then, I fall.

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