Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Two in One -- Healing and avoiding #reverb10

Long night shifts full of crazy make for long sleeping days or no brain power.  So, now I have three posts to do in one day.  Oops.  I decided that, rather than punish you, I would at least combine these two.
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December 19 Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Prompt by @GoddessLeoni)

The healing I experienced this year was in the form of forgiveness.  I know it's not a typical healing (likely not what the prompter was referring to) but it was for me.  In 2009, I had a terrible experience with a group that I trusted.  I felt betrayed and I was terribly hurt.  In 2010, I learned to forgive.  Well, not everyone -- we're talking small steps, people.  I learned that people will have opinions of me.  They will lash out at me.  They will discard me.  And me?  I will still exist.  I will still be a good person despite their opinions.  I will still be whole despite their accusations.

I won't trust some people again, but I have allowed myself to move on.  I will not seek their approval any longer, neither will I allow their lack of approval to damage me.  I will appreciate the good things from them and move on.  I won't forget, but I will not hold things against them any longer.

So, I'm healed.

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December 20 Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)(Prompt by @skaw)

I didn't confront people with honesty.  Instead of expressing myself, I pulled into myself.  I allowed things to happen and I didn't comment.  I know, it seems to contradict what I said above, however, it is not completely mutually exclusive.  I learned forgiveness, not bravery.

I still struggle with standing up for myself.  People are going to be shocked and think there is no way that's true, but I have a hard time being honest when it may hurt someone's feelings or make them mad at me.  I do that enough accidentally, I don't want to do it on purpose.

I can be brave when it is work related -- client related.  I have no problems being honest then.  But put me in a situation where I am uncomfortable... and I am mute.  Defend myself to a person in power?  Not going to happen.  Explain what is bothering me to someone important in my life?  Nope.  Yell at anyone who isn't my siblings and/or my father?  Surely you jest.

I would like to learn how to be honest without being offensive and hurtful.  I would like to speak my mind and know it is going to come out right.  I would like to be honest.

Will I do it?  Of course not!

1 comment:

  1. Now you sound a little bit like your father.

    ReplyDelete

Crap monkies say "what?"