Long night shifts full of crazy make for long sleeping days or no brain power. So, now I have three posts to do in one day. Oops. I decided that, rather than punish you, I would at least combine these two.
December 19 Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Prompt by @GoddessLeoni)
The healing I experienced this year was in the form of forgiveness. I know it's not a typical healing (likely not what the prompter was referring to) but it was for me. In 2009, I had a terrible experience with a group that I trusted. I felt betrayed and I was terribly hurt. In 2010, I learned to forgive. Well, not everyone -- we're talking small steps, people. I learned that people will have opinions of me. They will lash out at me. They will discard me. And me? I will still exist. I will still be a good person despite their opinions. I will still be whole despite their accusations.
I won't trust some people again, but I have allowed myself to move on. I will not seek their approval any longer, neither will I allow their lack of approval to damage me. I will appreciate the good things from them and move on. I won't forget, but I will not hold things against them any longer.
So, I'm healed.
December 20 Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)(Prompt by @skaw)
I didn't confront people with honesty. Instead of expressing myself, I pulled into myself. I allowed things to happen and I didn't comment. I know, it seems to contradict what I said above, however, it is not completely mutually exclusive. I learned forgiveness, not bravery.
I still struggle with standing up for myself. People are going to be shocked and think there is no way that's true, but I have a hard time being honest when it may hurt someone's feelings or make them mad at me. I do that enough accidentally, I don't want to do it on purpose.
I can be brave when it is work related -- client related. I have no problems being honest then. But put me in a situation where I am uncomfortable... and I am mute. Defend myself to a person in power? Not going to happen. Explain what is bothering me to someone important in my life? Nope. Yell at anyone who isn't my siblings and/or my father? Surely you jest.
I would like to learn how to be honest without being offensive and hurtful. I would like to speak my mind and know it is going to come out right. I would like to be honest.
Will I do it? Of course not!