January
- would just to say that she has the greatest fiancee in the world.
- would just like to say her fiancee broke into her facebook and posted about how great he is.
- is amazed. Facebook guru says 22 friends find me sexy. Only 22??
- enjoys the word "fartwhistle".
- just got Cheez Whiz on her mouse. This is causing mobility issues. And tastes weird.
- "There is a limit to how many corn dogs a person can eat in a day." "Yes, and the answer is six."
- I'd push an old lady off a roof for you. This was one of my two most popular ones.
- I'm learning patience. I'd rather learn immediate gratification.
- I'm so hairy, people are going to start paying admission to pet me. This was the second of my two most popular ones.
- fixes your grammar in her head.
- If you're standing on a corner, you'd better be crossin' or workin'.
- What's a pony good for anyway?
- This broccoli tastes suspiciously unlike chocolate.
- There are no hard fast rules for the plural of "tranny".
- I cannot buy popsicles without hearing the voice of the creepy old man from Family Guy.
- Dear Today, You are cold and unfriendly and I feel we have nothing in common. It's over. Yours truly, Bronwyn
- The dog keeps farting in my general direction.
- Back from Las Boobies. I mean, Vegas. Boobies. Vegas. Boobies. Vegas.
- I think I have Seasonal Affective - I HATE YOU LEAVE ME ALONE
- Most of my life can be summed up with "Dammit, that wasn't what I meant to do."
- I would like to be more popular. I'm cute. I'm funny. Tell your friends. I'll wait here.
- Lost my tweezers. Am now growing a uni-brow.
- What do you call a "widow's hump" when you don't want your husband dead?
- I pet the dog and told him what a good dog he is. He was in the other room. This blanket is really well behaved.
- It is so cold out, "fartscicle" isn't just a phrase.
- I didn't want to tweet or post until I was in a better mood. Then I realized you may never hear from me again. And I can't do that to you.
- Grandma said it's not a bad thing to change who I am to make The Guy happy. She did say that. But she can't from the trunk. Can you, Gram?
- The dog looks afraid whenever I hand fed him something. He eats boogers without hesitation, but an apple? Better be cautious.
- I always suspected Jamie Lee Curtis cared about my intestinal health.
- When I can't think of a word, I act it out in order to remember it. I really hope I don't try to remember the word "naked" in public. Again.
- Does this insomnia make my eyes look fat?
- Come January, I'm on a diet. I'm going to lose this extra 20 pounds if it kills everyone around me.
- I'm having a first world problem -- my office is using third world toilet paper.
You missed a whole bunch of good ones. Run a second batch.
ReplyDeleteYou guys really like your cheeze whiz don't you?
ReplyDeleteHa ha - love it! Especially...nah, they're all good.
ReplyDeleteMy life can be summed up in one sentence: "WTF is happening and why am I here!?
ReplyDeleteNow, 8 years later with a new husband,new puppy, new anti-depressant, and it's more like: "I MADE IT!"
Please let Wade know that fiancé is the one for guys and fiancée is for girls. Just in case he's curious. Which apparently he is.
ReplyDeleteZING!