Sunday, June 21, 2009

Whose wedding is this?

As I have been planning my wedding, some things have come to light. The main one is that most things a person does for a wedding is not for themselves. It is for other people. My wants do not necessarily come into play here. Now, I'm not talking about my wants for colours and flowers and times and things. I'm talking about my wants for who is present, what people give, who is invited, what happens, etc. My wants have not always been top priority in these things.

I'm a fairly easy going bride. I don't much care what happens on the day. As long as 1) I don't fall on my face, 2) the wedding starts on time, 3) no one wears Rider jerseys, 4) the building doesn't burn down, 4) no one dies, and 5) I am actually married by the end of the whole thing, I don't care what details occur.

I keep hearing "but it's your wedding". They tell me to be selfish, to make it about me, but that does not seem to be how it works. Maybe that's how it works for other people.

I guess it could be. If I was mean about it. If I said "NO. This is what I am doing and you can bite me." But then someone will be disappointed. I don't like to disappoint people. It's not in me. I mean, unless I can scandalously disappoint people. That's entirely different. I have said "No" in some cases, but I can see the look of disdain on people's faces when I say "No, I don't want gifts, so I did not get registered." or "No, I'm wearing red shoes to the wedding". But in some places, it's not in me to say no.

People have wonderful intentions. They want to show me how much they care. How important I am to them. But some, they want to show others how important they are and how vital they are in my life because they can plan things for me and help me and do things. And they all mean well. I know they do. But the road to hell, right?

Then there are some people who would like to be included because of how important my mother was to them. People who "would be so hurt" if they weren't invited to the bridal shower. People who have been "so important" in Mom's life. People who disappeared the minute Mom died and have never called or talked to us since.

So I will have a bridal shower full of people who are getting one more chance to be near Mom by watching me go through something that, by all rights, my mother should be in attendance at. I will smile and visit and say how nice it is to see them and they will get teary because I sound just like her. I will enjoy myself for the most part, but a small part of me will be angry that these people will be there and my mother won't.


  1. The good thing is that you can invite the people who were important to mom that DIDN'T disappear the minute she died. They tend to make up for the other kind.

  2. RED SHOES?!?!?!?!

    I don't think I can be a part of your wedding anymore.

  3. Ky: Yes, they do. Thank goodness.

    LynnieC: You're uninvited.

  4. Only Barb Hale keeps in touch with me, others will reply in brief if I email them about something.

  5. prairie nymph22/06/2009, 09:33

    I understand. if i had planned our wedding just for us- there would have been dancing, campfires, and breaking of glasses.
    i spent the time trying to please everyone, and only afterwards realized that most of 'their' suggestions were just what they thought would made me happy. (mostly from his family)
    Some of them were b/c 'they' felt uncomfortable and I shouldn't have even invited those ones.
    and some of the suggestions were smart and made sense- like having a caterer instead of potluck. (my dad has good ideas)
    in the end, we were married, someone else fainted, and I learned a lot about myself and difficulties in communication.

  6. Post from Krissie:

    I HATED planning my wedding, I only wanted to wear a gorgeous dress and marry Eric...that's IT. All those other details were so annoying and totally for everyone else. It turned out lovely anyway and I wouldn't have changed a thing but I told Eric he better like me a lot because I'm only EVER getting married's too much of a hassle.

  7. Weddings and funerals are for the survivors

  8. That shower sounds aaawwwkward.

    I had a shower that was put on by the Ladies' Aid at my mother's church. I didn't know most of them, they were all over 70, and they had bad taste in bathroom accessories. They did give me excellent towels, though, and they're still good 8 years later!

  9. sorry to hear the stress in your voice! I had 15 people at my wedding and 5 of them were crashers!!

    Remember that those who were absent before will be absent again. Don't put too much stock in what they want you to do.

    Most importantly, the wedding's just a day ... it's the rest of your life you can get excited about. Wishing you the best for both!!


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