Friday, June 26, 2009

Gnomes are only awesome if used ironically

A gnome, like many other tacky things, is only to be used ironically. If you acknowledge that something is tacky, you may then use it in homage to the tackiness. You may use it to mock others who are tacky. Once you think the tacky thing is actually cool, you are lost.

I thought this was generally accepted as truth. It is like stating that a movie such as "Bring it On" is awesome. Yes, it is awesome. But only if you acknowledge that it is crap. It is awesome crap, but still -- in the grand scheme of things -- it is not a good movie. However, I freely admit that 9 out of 10 times, I am more likely to leave the channel on "Bring it On" than something that is actually cinematic genius.

The Gnome is the King of the Tacky Garden Crap. His Queen is the Clay Fairy; His Knight the majestic Flamingo. Gnomes, when used ironically, can be a whimsical part of your yard. If you have not participated in a Gnome Scavenger Hunt, you are missing out on life. (I have not participated in one. That is why I can say this. I have seen others who have and I know I am just a little less of a person.)

One gnome in a garden is adorable. More than one gnome and you had better be an old person who puts plastic dolls heads on stakes and calls them your "garden". Because you have crossed the line.

I regularly walk past a yard I know to belong to a couple of 30 somethings. Last week, they had one gnome -- The Rider Gnome. I applauded them in their use of ironic tackiness and Rider gear. However, tonight, they added others to join the Rider Gnome. Now a trio of gnomes stand watch to attest to the declining taste of their owners. Soon the lawn will be littered with plastic fawns and wood cut outs of fat-bottomed gardeners bending over.

It's sad really.


  1. Gnomes? Tacky? I would never have known!

    What's happening to the world these days? Probably not nearly enough irony!

  2. I think the real question is what is wrong with your cable station that makes them air "Bring it on" so often?

  3. Are garden ornaments tacky if they are cast metal and cost money or just if they are plastic and bright coloured? Like statues and fountains and such.
    Tacky also includes lawns unmowed for three weeks.

  4. Unmowed lawns just say "I'm too busy and important to bother with this"

    Also, when I say "leave the channel on" I mean "Put in my DVD".

  5. I thought the flatulent, motion-activated gnome I bought the ex was pretty funny. We had a little flock of them at the office for a while until the boss objected.

  6. All ornaments in and on the lawn are noteworthy. Expensive statuary is just as amusing to me as a plastic gnome. Although I find flamingos tiresome.


Crap monkies say "what?"