When I was a kid, my parents had a ritual. Dad would come home from work and sit in his arm chair. My mom would sit on his lap and they would cuddle and talk and smooch. When I was 11, this was disgusting. 'Skusting! Now, I look back on it as a sign of affection and friendship and with a great deal of envy.
I have never been the girl who gets to cuddle on a guy's lap.
I was over 5 feet when I turned 10. I outgrew my mother's wedding dress at 11. I was awkward and gargantuan and completely ungraceful. I was gangly and klutzy and I never quite got over that.
I never really got comfortable in my own skin and with my own size. I often felt enormous next to my peers - most of my best friends were a lot smaller than me in both height and/or weight. That translated ten fold to the people of the opposite gender. Not many guys are interested in dating someone who could bench press them for fun. (I mean, unless they are into that, but it's usually not women they are going for.)
The guys I dated ranged from short and stocky to really short and skinny. (With some, I look back at pictures now and think... We looked ridiculous. How did people not laugh? I looked like I was dating my son!) I came to the realization I was likely never going to be the girl who was literally swept off her feet. I am more comfortable carrying the guy than the idea of the other way around.
Because of this, I am envious of those petite and sweet girls who can sit on their boyfriend if there are not enough chairs. The girls who can cuddle under the crook of their boyfriend's arm and not have to hunch over. Now I have a tall boyfriend (one who does not have to reach up to hug me) and I am still so awkward I cannot be comfortable. I sit awkwardly and can't figure out where to put my head or my arm. My back hurts or I am leaning weirdly. I want to sit in a comfy chair with him like my parents did and - although I know he is strong - I worry I will cause him to lose all feeling in his legs. And I worry I will tip the chair over.
You would think, after 31 years in this body, I would have figured out how to work it.