Friday, April 16, 2010

I can't sleep, so you will suffer

Here I am, lying in the dark of my hotel room.  The shades are drawn, blocking out all light but two little slivers that mock me and my attempt at creating darkness.  There is no noise but for the fan of the air conditioner which I keep running in order to block out the sounds of the drunks stumbling loudly down the hall.  It is just after midnight, I have to be up at 7:30 and I am not tired at all.

Whether it is my sinuses threatening to cut off my air supply (great band, by the way) or the busyness of the last day that is keeping me up, I do not know.  But for all that I could not form sentences out of weariness at 8pm, my mind seems to have lots to say.

I am going over conversations in my head from today -- ones which both occurred and did not occur.  I'm a special brand of crazy, I am.  I tend to recreate conversations in my head where I go over and over what was said, what could have been said, what mean things I thought to say afterwards, the guilt I have at thinking about the mean things I could have said.

And now I lie here hoping I will fall asleep in enough time to continue to ward off this cold which is wreaking havoc on my throat, glands, and nasal cavities.

I hate the word "nasal".

Yes, you would think I am on some sort of cold medication that is addling my brain, but no, this is my brain on union.  And this is my brain on hotel.  Mix the two of them together and I get so worked up, it's lucky I ever sleep again.

I'm a crisis worker.  I like to go in to a situation, quickly assess why it is completely and utterly screwed up, develop a plan to fix it, and then I fix it.  This is what I do for 40 hours a week.  (The rest of the time, I play Family Feud on Facebook.) Put me in a situation I cannot fix?  Even when I can see the problem AND the solution -- which I fully admit is often "light a match and burn that mo-fo down" -- and I still cannot fix it? It is torture.

Mostly I just want to get it done.  I am already thinking about the next days issues.  I am already there, salivating over contentious moments and begging someone to let me fix them.


  1. Wait, there's a Family Feud on Facebook???? Does it have a sexy Richard Dawson character, hittin' on all the ladies.

  2. Insomnia is so horrible. I can't figure out how I can be so tired and then end up with all of these ridiculous racing thoughts well into my sleepy time. I do so love sleep.

  3. Hate insomnia! With a passion! And I do that whole replaying conversations in my head thing too! Not to mention anticipating the ones that might happen in days to come! Craziness!


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