Monday, March 29, 2010

Conversations with Grandma #876,910

Grandma loves to call people fat.  She doesn't mean it cruelly, but she doesn't have the filter that tells her to SHUT THE HELL UP.

Grandma has an image bank in her memory of every person she's ever met.  That image is of every person at their skinniest point ever -- then she minuses 10 lbs.  So, if she knew you when you were a teen, you are the skinniest version of yourself in her mind.  When she sees you at 35 and you're not the same size you were in highschool, she thinks you've gained all that weight since the last time she's seen you.  Even if she saw you last week at this same heavier size.

So she doesn't mean to be a horrible person.  She is just utterly shocked that you managed to gain 50 lbs since she saw you last.  We've talked to her about it, but it's just not sinking in.  And, at 90, really is there a point any more?

This weekend at the funeral, she managed to call quite a few people fat before we even got threw the main doors of the church.  Then she went in to see her sister and exclaimed that she had never seen her sister look worse!  She's even lost weight since she saw her at the home last week!

Um, yeah, Gram... it's cuz she died.

Without missing a beat, she walked up to my second cousin and asked who he was.  When he said his name, she looked at him with confusion.  I leaned in closely and whispered "Don't be offended.  She's about to call you fat."

Grandma looked at him and without guile said, "Didn't you used to be taller?"


  1. Oh that grandma of yours.

    Your explanation of how she has a specific (teenaged) picture of everyone in her head makes so much sense. And I will remember that explanation the night time I see her, when she calls me "stout" again.

  2. "You are have some more potatoes, cheez puffs, cookies, pie. You don't eat anything. Are you not feeling well?

  3. haha...
    Meanwhile, I swear my aunt has a picture of me at my heaviest saved in her head.
    Every time I'm home I'm asked "have you lost weight?" (even if I've gained) "are your teeth whiter?" "teeth straighter?" "freckles darker?" "I think you've grown?!"

    I swear, next time she asks me, I'm going to have to ask her:
    You remember fat and ugly, don't you?

  4. *remember me, that is.


Crap monkies say "what?"