Thoughts of mine

I am not having a good time being single and looking. Maybe it is Valentine's Day coming up or whathaveyou, but I have been troubled. I have been thinking about what it means to meet someone, how one goes about it, what purpose a relationship has in my life, what things are hindering me from one. I have been looking at who I spend time with and what I expect from life and whether or not this is it.

There are many things in my life - past and present - that cause some problems in my search for a mate. Whether or not I can do anything to change them is beyond me, but they perplex me nonetheless.

First is that I do not make friends easily. I am aware of this and aware of why this is the case. I can only handle a small number of good friends before I get overstimulated by the "doing" and overwhelmed by the request for my time. As I gain a friend, another falls by the wayside. It has always been so. Even if I work hard to maintain that friendship, it eventually falls victim to my limited ability to share my time and energy.

Second, I have read every romance novel and cowboy western and all sorts of poetry and watched every movie where the guy gets the girl in the end. I have no idea how real life works. Some romantic notions like buying a girl flowers seems ridiculous and a waste of money. Self written poetry seems lame and makes me a little nauseated. Yet, I long for some expression of romance that I saw in a movie or on TV which has no base in reality. What guy can live up to my TV boyfriends? Who out there is Hawkeye? Or Angel? Or even Duncan for that matter? It certainly explains why the men I am drawn to are damaged or have great problems or are married or only exist in cyberspace. One already knows from the start that there is no future.

Third, I can within moments determine whether or not I want to be with a guy. There is no trial dating for me. From the start of all but two relationships, I knew there was no way I would be with the particular guy for more than a short period of time. It seems harsh, but once they ceased to serve a purpose for me, I was done. And I have no idea how to say to a guy that I've started to get to know "I'm sorry, but even if we continue this conversation, I have no interest in ever dating you." In fact, at those times, I wonder if getting to know them at all is a waste of time.

Forth, I have most of my needs met already. I have a few friends, a few social gatherings, a few great conversations. I have my own home, my career, my dogs. My family and their dramatic moments. The things I lack are much like not having cable. Sure it would be nice, but you can likely live without it.

Even saying this, I know it's not true. I can't live without it. Without the relationship and companionship of another person whom I belong to and who belongs to me. However, even more the problem, I have no idea how to go about getting it. I am not likely to troll the waters until I find my fish. I am more likely to sit and wait for someone to come by who I will hope will be interested. Unfortunately, it has been pointed out to me that the ones who fall into this category tend to be drunk, homeless, mentally challenged, brain damaged or a mix of all.

In actuality, I wonder if I have been stilted in my growth process and this is why I am not going anywhere. Not to place blame, because I don't believe it is "blame" but rather an intuitive look at who I am and why, I wonder if the problems our family has faced in the last 5 years has made it impossible for me to move on yet. The sicknesses and deaths of people we love. The year of 10 funerals. The prolonged fight with Mom's cancer and our family's subsequent attempt to continue on with our lives. The numerous other events that have fallen as road blocks across our paths. Am I stuck waiting there until I can figure my way through it all? Do I need to be rescued like I wish someone would?

I'm not sure what to do with these thoughts. I have tried to broaden my horizon and move my comfort lines a bit. What it has gotten me is uncomfortable conversations with people I now want to avoid and wishing I had never made the attempt in the first place.