So after seeing her comment on here about a billion times today, I thought to myself "Hmm. The Queen of Procrastination seems to be procrastinating. I should call and help her." So I did. And it was wonderful. A good hour and a half of talking about the world in general, my world in specific and other people's worlds in hindsight. It was all good. I miss Maryanne and her fantastically wonderful husband Chris. And I am so thankful for both their friendships.
I've been really hard on myself of late and comparing myself to one specific friend of ours a lot. She is the type people like to be with and who is easy to spend time with. She's happy and fun and cute and people love to dote on her. And I've been compared to her in the past - actually passed by for her by one guy who specifically lined out why he preferred her to me. (I'm "too intense" and "difficult to be with" while she is "pleasant and easy") And so, I have been jealous and frustrated and hurt at the attention she gathers. She's a nice girl and I totally understand why people like her.
Maryanne reminded me that there is a reason we are not the same. That people also need someone like me. Someone who has had crappy things happen to her b/c then I can share things with other people and help them through their crappy times. I mean, what kind of counsellor would I be if I had no idea about misery and reaching the end of my rope? I am difficult to get to know, I don't trust people easily and I am more emotional and "intense" than most. But that's who I am. Someday, someone will want to be in my life and will work hard enough to do it. The guy who didn't want the pressure missed out, but wouldn't have done well with me in the long run anyways.
I guess I wish I was the type people could be gentle with and dote on and tenderly care for. And maybe someday, that will happen. Not that I will miraculously change, but that some guy won't be afraid of that. I just get tired of being strong and not having someone to take care of me. But at the same time, I like being tough, I like being "knowing", I like handling crisis and people and problems. And someday, when there is a guy who isn't a "fix-er-upper", I will get a break too. And can maybe be a bit more of a woman who deserves the things I long for - like tenderness and attention and admiration.
(Hug)
ReplyDeleteToday, Chris and I were talking about the males at Camp, and the problem with being able to help them en masse, the way that we can work with the girls. "The problem is," he concluded, "that we need a male version of [May-b]." Your particular role is important, to the point that you're an archetypal leader/organizer. And Chris is jealous that they don't have someone like you.
Meh, Chris is jealous that he's not a polygymist. Too bad SOMEBODY won't share. Or that cloning (with height adaptations) wasn't better.
ReplyDeleteAnd you can use my real name, just not my last name. Certainly, I can't get in trouble from work for that!!
I once wrote a paper on archtypal something or other. The marker wrote on it "Do you have any idea what you are talking about?" No. But still. I got a 53.
Did I mention that he also asked me today, "I wonder if it would help if I told Bronwyn she was the first on the list of women I'd marry if you died?"
ReplyDeleteTrue Story:
ReplyDeleteI was in the back seat of a car waiting for a friend to come back from her house (she forgot somethign), when her boyfriend (the driver) says: "do you want to know why the guys in Oakville don't ask you out?"
Hmmm. No, not really. I'd never actually thought - or cared - about it. But of course, because he just wanted to help me, he told me anyway.
Apparently, I was too intense (yes, same thing you got) too smart, thought too much and was weird. Ok, so the last was fairly accurate. Oh, and not enough of a girl. I hadn't thought up until that point that one could have varying percentages of girl in them. Oh well, fair enough.
The thing is, B., I decided to become an Oakville girl...and I did. For three weeks, I was just like the other girls in the youth group I hung around with. And BOY, did I get asked out. So I went out on dates (yes, plural, even in that short period). Dates with...pale imitations of men. I had to laugh at their jokes - funny or not - not come up with any zany ideas (which as far as I could see meant any ideas at all), not contradict them, and be a loving, supportive quiet non-controversial person the whole date long. IT SUCKED. I really really really didh't like the guys I dated. They were bland and boring and didn't have an interesting brain cell to share between them. So I gave up, and became me again. End of dates, return of happiness.
Same thing in bible college. The very Stepford wives types got the men - except for the truly interesting ones. I didn't want the ordinary anyway!
The conclusion is this* If you were the woman he wanted, you would not be the woman you are.
* kudos to Lyle Lovatt.
So stay who you are...but if you don't, call me from prison when you shoot the guy you end up dating. I'll bail you out.
KB, its a deal.
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