So after seeing her comment on here about a billion times today, I thought to myself "Hmm. The Queen of Procrastination seems to be procrastinating. I should call and help her." So I did. And it was wonderful. A good hour and a half of talking about the world in general, my world in specific and other people's worlds in hindsight. It was all good. I miss Maryanne and her fantastically wonderful husband Chris. And I am so thankful for both their friendships.
I've been really hard on myself of late and comparing myself to one specific friend of ours a lot. She is the type people like to be with and who is easy to spend time with. She's happy and fun and cute and people love to dote on her. And I've been compared to her in the past - actually passed by for her by one guy who specifically lined out why he preferred her to me. (I'm "too intense" and "difficult to be with" while she is "pleasant and easy") And so, I have been jealous and frustrated and hurt at the attention she gathers. She's a nice girl and I totally understand why people like her.
Maryanne reminded me that there is a reason we are not the same. That people also need someone like me. Someone who has had crappy things happen to her b/c then I can share things with other people and help them through their crappy times. I mean, what kind of counsellor would I be if I had no idea about misery and reaching the end of my rope? I am difficult to get to know, I don't trust people easily and I am more emotional and "intense" than most. But that's who I am. Someday, someone will want to be in my life and will work hard enough to do it. The guy who didn't want the pressure missed out, but wouldn't have done well with me in the long run anyways.
I guess I wish I was the type people could be gentle with and dote on and tenderly care for. And maybe someday, that will happen. Not that I will miraculously change, but that some guy won't be afraid of that. I just get tired of being strong and not having someone to take care of me. But at the same time, I like being tough, I like being "knowing", I like handling crisis and people and problems. And someday, when there is a guy who isn't a "fix-er-upper", I will get a break too. And can maybe be a bit more of a woman who deserves the things I long for - like tenderness and attention and admiration.